Because Boots are a Bunch Tossers....

The leading UK retailer - Boots - are running a series of TV ads at the moment, which, it would be fair to say, piss me off hugely. But then - so does quite a lot about the world of advertising. Make that the world in general.

These ads are all based on the same dishonest, devious, nasty little verbal trick. They say things like:

"Because your eyes deserve the very best in clarity, Boots frames are now 20% off"

or:

"Because you deserve the very best suntan this summer, Boots are offering 3 for 2 on all sun tanning products."

So - the People At Boots sat down, and had a chat, did they......

Ron, what are we going to do about the state of the British Suntan?
Pete - it's an issue we're very concerned about. Our international basking reputation is at stake. It's that bleak.
Well, we need answers Ron, and we need them now. What have you got?
Pete, there's only one thing for it. We must cut our prices. We must sacrifice the profit margin and save the suntans.
Ron - that's a stroke of genius. You selfless, creative bastard - I'm going to put it to the board on Wednesday. Now when are you and Penny coming over for another evening of quiche and group sex?

No. That didn't happen. And not just because Penny isn't in to quiche.

These statements are simply non-sequitars - which is to say that they imply a causal link between the first and second components of the sentence which does not really exist. Or - in layman's terms - they're a bunch of fucking sly manipulative lies.

Boots is NOT offering 3 for 2 because they think you deserve the best suntan - they're offering 3 for 2 in the hopes of twisting more cash out of your pocket. Simple as that. N' est pas?

I wonder which advertising tosser first conceived of the ploy. I wonder how the dialogue went then The Creatives met up to hatch this little streak of Great British Piss. I wonder if anyone, at any point, said out loud "Let's try to imply that we have the public's best interests at heart, and we're offering these great deals because we love their little cotton socks - each and every one. That way they'll think well of us, buy our stuff - and we'll be wealthy in a seriously nice new motor kind of way".

No - they probably wrapped it up in Creative-Speak. They probably have a whole set of trendy euphemisms for talking about the devious filth they pour into our living rooms without ever actually saying what they're doing.

I wonder if anyone at Boots - when they reviewed the campaign proposal - said "But wait guys - that's dishonest, isn't it?". I'm thinking .... probably not. Because that would imply some sense of decency. Decency to the point of overcoming self-interest. And that couldn't happen - could it?

No. Tends not to.

Now of course, the Great British Public have a mature society. We have Checks And Balances in place to stop this kind of thing - don't we? Yeah - we do. And they cost a fortune to run - and they don't work worth a flying fuck. In this case it's Ofcom. Who exist to maintain the appearance of giving a stuff about UK advertising, without actually doing very much to make things better. Cheers boys. Way to hold down a decent job of work. I'm sure your mum loves you - but as for me - I'd quite like to see you all tipped out onto the tarmac and invited to do an honest day's work. Digging holes maybe, and then jumping into them.

Thank you guys.
Thank you, Good Ole Boots.
Thank you Ofcom.
Thank you Advertising Creatives.

You all help to make Great Britain what it is today.